I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
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