I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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