Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
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I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.