i just had sex bonerless
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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