census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think I am morally bankrupt
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
