god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
