I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
