There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
