My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
