Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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