I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
