you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
