1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
