why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
