Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
