I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
