Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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