Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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