I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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