I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i now understand why vodka
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
