this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
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Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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