At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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