You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
