if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
