apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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