Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
