dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
