can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
