Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
