You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
