After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
