My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The uberlube is also flammable
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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