I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
