just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
