Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize