My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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