May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
