I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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