he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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