Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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