just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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