I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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