I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
