Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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