4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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