Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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