M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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