I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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