the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
