Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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