When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
