got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
