Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
