My underwear smells like fireworks.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
