How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
