I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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