$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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